Katherine Bernhardt’s paintings embody cosmopolitan edginess. Her lush canvases, which themselves pose as the currency of beguiling luxury, incorporate all the fantasy trappings of seduction, decadence and corruption, each charged with sordid soap operatic climax and the command of true-to-type bitches and divas.
You could get your Louis Vuitton gas mask, or you can get a Gucci brandage. So if you need a band-aid, and you don’t want just the skin-toned, works perfectly fine version, just get yourself a full-luxury blood stopping version, Blood on your Gucci, that is how we see it.
Because we like breakfast so much, we are seriously considering getting us some chickens to make the whole grocery shopping run a lot easier… Oh yeah, and that whole sustainability thing, because we are totally all about that too. So after researching how to keep and care for our possible future chickens, we came across this luxury chicken loft that is kind of absurd and exactly what we need for our privileged urban poultry. The Chicken Co-Op is basically a miniature apartment complex with a “Run Area” (like a shared gym) and an “Egg Lounge” (like a bar for chickens to socialize and seduce each other). It even comes with a solar powered fan for heating and air conditioning – this space probably offers more than what’s included in our rent.
Not sure if we phrased that right but we are basically talking about is hotel/youth hostels/homes that are made out of converted airplanes. So you can live out the glory days of traveling First Class with your dad, just not actually in the air.
We are not against exploring. We feel like man or woman are at their greatest when they have pressed the limits of exploration and discovery, whether it be the Vikings, Magellan, Lewis and Clark, Edmund Hillary, or Apollo 11. Adventure not only makes for a great story, but it sets the standard of what humanity can achieve as a species.
But let us be honest here. We feel like the complete opposite of the greatness of humanity and exploration comes in the form of a cruise ship. The custom-built, vacation on a moving walkway over the sea, Titanic-sinking cruise ship. We are not sure who’s idea it was, but ships were made for exploring and discovering new lands, shipping cargo, and getting the hell out of Europe in the 1920’s. They were not made to house movie theaters, norovirus, and swimming pools. People used to travel months and months on a ship in order to get off of it and never get back on, not to go from port to port to eat at resort restaurants and drink margaritas.
If this recent footage of a cruise ship being tossed around 30-foot waves off the coast of Antarctica is any indication of why cruise ships are a bad idea, we don’t know what is.
Here are 4 reasons why cruise ships are a bad idea and why we will never go one one:
1) Antarctic storms: We think we covered that in the video above.
2) Pirates: There are a lot of pirate problems these days, so much so that we won’t travel near the Red Sea for fear of Somalian pirates, and we are sure that there are Alaskan, Antarctic, and Aegean Sea pirates that like people taking relaxing cruises and will rob them blind while helpless on a boat. Seriously, there are gangsters and kidnappers on land, and their are pirates of the sea.
3) Norovirus:Outbreaks of norovirus infection often occur in closed or semi-closed communities, such as long-term care facilities, overnight camps, hospitals, prisons, dormitories, and cruise ships where the infection spreads very rapidly either by person-to-person transmission or through contaminated food. Many norovirus outbreaks have been traced to food that was handled by one infected person.
You read that cruise ship part, right? No way we are getting on any cruise ship now where we can’t leave when an outbreak occurs. The whole point of being a human is to leave an outbreak, not stick with it for 7 days in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Self-explanatory shit people.
4) David Foster Wallace taught us not to like them: One of our favorite writers ever, DFW (RIP), once wrote an essay we consider life changing called “Shipping Out: On the (Nearly Lethal) Comforts of a Luxury Cruise.”
It’s no accident they’re so white and clean, for they’re clearly meant to represent the Calvinist triumph of capital and industry over the primal decay-action of the sea.
Perhaps a visit to the casino or a little dancing in the disco? Maybe a quiet drink in the piano bar or a starlit stroll around the deck? After discussing all your options, everyone agrees: ‘Let’s do it all.’
These people go on cruises, the Tommy Bahama dad and soon-to-be Bahama son. There should never be anything Bahamas in Kansas City malls, and the cruise ship has done this to us.
We have all had a few Nigerian based SPAM emails found in our Inbox. Its part of being a human in 2010. You get SPAM, chances are it comes from a dude in Nigeria just kicking it. Someone buying your luxury goods on eBay for $100 over the asking price? Its a Nigerian scam. Get an email about a close friend of yours in need of $25,000 to be wired immediately, its a dude in Lagos messing with you.